The Funny Bone

by ChrisTuna


Stupid Quotes

"It has been said by some cynic, maybe it was a former president, 'If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.' Well, we took them literally - that advice, as you know. But I didn't need that because I have Barbara Bush."
- Former President George Bush

"I have no idea what White House statement was issued, but I stand behind it 100 percent."
- Richard Darman, budget director in the Bush administration

"I had a great idea this morning, but I didn't like it."
- movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn

"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
- Vice President Dan Quayle, in a CNN interview, speaking about the San Francisco earthquake

"Life is indeed precious, and I believe the death penalty helps affirm this fact."
- Edward Koch, former New York City mayor

"Please provide the date of your death."
- IRS letter sent to a dead man whose widow had filed a return for him

" We are going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
- Vice President Dan Quayle

"Open seven days a week, excluding Sundays!"
- sign on a Kentucky Fried Chicken store

"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything."
- Ivana Trump after writing her first novel

"All I was doing was appealing for an endorsement, not suggesting you endorse it."
- President George Bush, to Colorado Governor Roy Romer

"The best example of all, to me, that our problems are both personal and cultural and political and social is the whole condition of the middle class economically."
- President Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

"I was nearly an orphan myself. I had only one mother and one father."
- Yankee Joe Dugan

"I do expose my body, but only because I think people should have something nice to look at."
- actress Brigitte Nielsen

"Weíve all had hypothermia at times on [Baywatch]. David Charvet almost had to be hospitalized. But itís easier for me to endure the cold because Iím an owner of the show and Iím the highest-paid guy."
- Baywatch star David Hasselhoff

"We have a marriage, like a father and son."
- sports promoter Don King, on his relationship with boxer Julio Cesar Chavez

"Cheating is out of the question. Sure, Frank sees sexy flight attendants and businesswomen when he flies around the country. But the only come-on he gets anymore is 'Címon, Frank, show us a picture of Cody'."
- Kathie Lee Gifford, in her book I Canít Believe I Said That, written before husbandís well-publicized tryst with a flight attendant

"The Hall of Fame ceremonies are on the 31st and 32nd of June."
- Mets sportscaster Ralph Kiner

"I love home openers, whether theyíre at home or on the road."
- baseball great Yogi Berra

Waiter: Do you want a shrimp cocktail?
Baseball Player Jeff Stone: No thanks-I donít drink

"Leo (Leonardo DiCaprio) knows heís got sex appeal and he knows how to use it. Yet he doesnít think heís gorgeous. And to me, heís simply smelly, farty Leo."
- Kate Winslet on Titanic co-star Leonardo DiCaprio

"My goals are to hit .300, score 100 runs, and stay injury-prone."
- baseball player Mickey Rivers

"There was a bug in the place that I was trying to kill. This thing had tried to attack me and tried to suck my blood- a big cockroach. And I tried to get it. I tried to whack it. Iíd miss and smash a lamp."
- actor Johnny Depp, explaining how his hotel room got smashed

"The Houston Astros are the youngest team in the National League if you judge by age."
- baseball star Don Drysdale

"The pitcher has a blister on the index hand of his pitching finger."
- San Diego Padres broadcaster Jerry Coleman

"From the waist down, Earl Campbell has the biggest legs I have ever seen on a running back."
- John Madden, CBS sportscaster

"Go see it and see for yourself why you shouldn't go see it."
- movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
- David Dinkins, former NYC mayor

"You wouldn't have won if we had beaten you."
- Yogi Berra

"We expect them (Salvadoran officials) to work toward the elimination of human rights."
- Vice President Dan Quayle

"I was asked to come to Chicago because Chicago is one of our fifty-two states."
- Raquel Welch, on her appearance at a pro-choice rally in Chicago, on "Larry King Live"

"They've managed to keep their unemployment low although their overall unemployment is high."
- President Bill Clinton

"I feel my best when I'm happy."
- Winona Ryder

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
- Ex-Houston Oiler and Florida State coach Bill Peterson

"I was unhappy ... but it's over, done, water under the dam."
- Cal Ripkin, Sr., baseball manager, upon being fired


State Slogans

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney ...

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared !!!


The Benefits of Being Female

  1. We got off the Titanic first.
  2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
  3. We never ejaculate prematurely.
  4. When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.
  5. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous; guys look like complete idiots in ours.
  6. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
  7. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
  8. Taxis stop for us.
  9. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
  10. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
  11. Free moving (you get the point).
  12. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
  13. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
  14. We know 'The Truth' about whether size matters.
  15. If we have sex with someone and don't call them the next day, we're not the devil.
  16. Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.
  17. If we're not making enough money we can blame the glass ceiling.
  18. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
  19. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
  20. No fashion faux pas we make could rival The Speedo.
  21. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
  22. If we cheat on our spouse, people assume it's because we're being emotionally neglected.
  23. We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
  24. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
  25. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her ass.
  26. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
  27. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
  28. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
  29. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
  30. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
  31. Our friends don't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
  32. We know that there are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
  33. Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
  34. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
  35. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

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